An Ode to Platonic Love
About a year ago, just shy of 40, I started telling my friends I love them. Three simple words that come naturally when speaking to my child, family, and lovers—but with friends, they always felt unfamiliar, almost unnatural.
My relationship with friendship has been anything but steady. I grew up in “the church”—a deeply conservative evangelical bubble where friendships were predetermined, based on an ingrained belief system rather than organic connection. Since breaking free from that chapter of my life, I’ve been on a journey of rediscovering what true platonic love looks like. And honestly? I feel almost romantic about it.
When my life went kaboom a few years ago, I learned how to ask for help. Okay, I was forced into it. With no family nearby, it was my friends who caught me, heard me, and cheered me on as I clumsily poured thick wet concrete into new foundation of my new life chapter. In the beginning, letting people in was met with resistance. But life has a way of breaking us open—some let it soften them, while others build walls. I chose the first (always choose the first). I used to take pride in doing everything on my own, wearing self-sufficiency like a badge of honor. But the more I live, the more I see how dangerous that mindset is. It is our human design to do life together. “Better together than apart.” a wise woman once told me while on vacation, I'll never forget it.
What the medicinal platonic love of friendship provides is witness to our in-between chapters, our heartbroken messes and humbling moments of transformation. It is a two way street, you get to be the intimate front row witness to your loved ones evolution. If you’ve got truly encouraging pals, they provide a cheer of hope for where we are going, even if that road is foggy for us. When we can’t seem to love ourselves, they love us and show us we are in fact, very lovable.
After decades of life lived, ego often takes a backseat (we're all headed for death anyways, why be an arrogant asshole?) and we begin to align with those who challenge us, who call us out—not because they doubt us, but because they see us. They trust your participation in your journey sometimes more than you trust it and that is…fire. Sometimes that participation means urging you to hold your own hand because after all, there are some things we must move through on our own. Something else also happens, alarm bells start to go off when it's just not feeling right - surface level friendships feel risky, misalignment becomes more obvious. Maintaining connection to one another is an investment, which means we must recognize when that connection has run its course. This release is worthy of a heartbreak.
Curiosity is something I wish we'd value a bit more. If you’re reading this and feeling a lack of depth within your relationship, here are five questions you can share with your loved ones to get you to a deeper place.
What are three colors the reflect how you are feeling in this season of life?
Is there something you wish we talked about more?
What is your favorite memory of us?
What’s something you’ve learned about yourself recently? What’s something you’ve learned about me recently?
How could we introduce more spontaneity into our relationship? I encourage spontaneity in all relationships. We are over scheduled and so protective over our routines and control that shaking things up, last minute hangs, grocery trips, or walks through the neighborhood can be the medicine we didn't know we needed.
These words have been inspired by my friends - past, current and future ones. This email has also been the result of taking a temporary hiatus from social media, I cannot recommend pausing from whatever noise is congesting your creativity. Truly, thank you for being here.
-Bethany